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  Mendel

  Then spake Joshua to the Lord in the day when the Lord delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel and he said “Sun, stand still.”…And the sun stood still until the children of Israel had avenged themselves upon their enemies.

  —JOSHUA 10:12

  EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—NIGHT

  A confused Mendel is pacing in front of a buffet table.

  MENDEL

  Why is it still dark? I don’t understand it. Granted, I am but a simple caterer. However, it doesn’t take a great scholar to know that the night should be followed by the morning—and not by another night.

  Mendel looks toward heaven.

  MENDEL (cont’d)

  Where is it? Isn’t there someone who can tell me where the sun is?

  Mendel starts pacing again.

  MENDEL (cont’d)

  What’s the sense of fooling myself? Nobody can explain it. How could they possibly explain it? Every mortal I know has overslept. Oh dear God—while my beautiful spread turns rancid, my entire village sleeps.

  Mendel looks toward heaven.

  MENDEL (cont’d)

  Tell me, dear God—what in your name is going on?

  GOD

  What’s the problem?

  MENDEL

  What’s the problem? I thought you were all-knowing.

  GOD

  I am.

  MENDEL

  So? Can’t you see what’s wrong?

  GOD

  Not really. It’s sort of dark.

  MENDEL

  That’s the problem.

  GOD

  Oh.

  MENDEL

  Well? How come it’s still dark?

  GOD

  Excellent question, Mendel. You’re very inquisitive for a caterer.

  MENDEL

  Thanks, but…

  GOD

  The fact is, you woke up too early. Go back to sleep.

  MENDEL

  I…

  GOD

  Maybe I should do the same.

  (bad acting)

  I know I’m the Supreme Being, but trust me,

  I too am groggy. Pleasant dreams.

  We hear God yawning. Mendel starts pacing again.

  MENDEL

  Woke up too early? How can this be? Last night was no different from any other night: I arrived home, said a prayer, washed up, made a blessing, sat down, begged for forgiveness, turned around, said I’m sorry, had my supper, then beat my breast…. Afterward, I read the Bible, discussed it at length with my wise son, was hit across the mouth with it by my wicked son, then fed it to my simple son. Then my wife and I sang, we danced, we cleaned the ram, we said our prayers, we spun the dreidel, we celebrated the harvest, we knew each other in a biblical sense, then we went to bed.

  Mendel looks to heaven.

  MENDEL (cont’d)

  No, dear God. I got my basic eight hours of sleep…. God? God?

  GOD

  (feigning weariness)

  Yes, Mendel.

  MENDEL

  I figured out that I woke up the same time I usually do.

  GOD

  (disappointed)

  Oh, you did.

  MENDEL

  Yes. And if you’ll pardon my skepticism, dear Lord, I can’t help but think that you are keeping something from me.

  GOD

  Me?

  Mendel nods.

  GOD (cont’d)

  Well, if I should tell you the truth, do you promise not to get a swelled head? Because you’ve been given an honor.

  MENDEL

  Me?

  GOD

  Yes.

  MENDEL

  Do tell.

  GOD

  No, I better not.

  MENDEL

  I beg of you. I can use a lift.

  GOD

  Well, the reason it is dark is because there’s an eclipse.

  MENDEL

  A what?

  GOD

  A culinary eclipse. Once every five hundred years I align the Earth between the sun and a caterer—plunging the planet into temporary darkness. Congratulations.

  MENDEL

  Wait a second…

  GOD

  But let’s keep this between us, okay? You can imagine how hectic my life would get if every caterer started asking for his own eclipse.

  MENDEL

  You’re lying, aren’t you?

  GOD

  A liar? The Almighty you call a liar?

  MENDEL

  I’m not saying that lying is a prominent trait of yours.

  GOD

  But you just…

  MENDEL

  What I meant, dear God, was that in this particular instance I solemnly believe that you are divinely yanking my proverbial chain. Is this so?

  GOD

  I’ll be right back.

  EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—DAY

  A very tan Joshua is on the battlefield.

  GOD

  Joshua…Joshua.

  JOSHUA

  Who may I say is calling?

  GOD

  Don’t get cute.

  JOSHUA

  Oh, hi. Some war, huh?

  GOD

  So you’ve won?

  JOSHUA

  Hey, these things take time. But we’ll be all right. Those Amorites are dropping like flies.

  GOD

  I need the sun.

  JOSHUA

  When?

  GOD

  Now.

  JOSHUA

  Come again?

  GOD

  Or as soon as possible, anyway.

  JOSHUA

  (aside)

  Great guy…

  GOD

  Excuse me?

  JOSHUA

  Here I am risking my life for you, all I ask for is one favor, and you…

  GOD

  For me? You’re risking your life for me?

  JOSHUA

  No, for me…. Of course it’s for you. I have no ax to grind with the Amorites—this is all for you.

  GOD

  How do you figure?

  JOSHUA

  These Amorites are heathens. They spend most of their time womanizing and getting drunk…

  GOD

  They do?

  JOSHUA

  …and doing whatever their animal instincts dictate.

  GOD

  But don’t they fear my wrath?

  JOSHUA

  Why should they? They don’t believe in you to begin with.

  GOD

  They don’t?

  JOSHUA

  No.

  GOD

  God…

  JOSHUA

  What was that?

  GOD

  Oh, nothing—I was just talking to myself…. Look, you believe in me, don’t you?

  JOSHUA

  No, I’m swinging spiked maces out here for my health. Stop being so insecure.

  GOD

  Sorry.

  JOSHUA

  Don’t worry about it. Just let me get on with the war. What’s the big rush, anyway?

  GOD

  Well, this whole sun thing is somewhat of an inconvenience to Mendel…

  JOSHUA

  The caterer?

  GOD

  Yeah. He’s got this smorgasbord and…

  JOSHUA

  Spare me.

  (aside)

  I have an onslaught on my hands and he’s talking Jell-O molds.

  EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—NIGHT

  Mendel is fanning the buffet with a small shrub.

  GOD

  Mendel.

  MENDEL

  You smell that? It’s the fish.

  God sniffs.

  GOD

  Who’s this buffet for?

  MENDEL

  The Brillsteins. In honor of their son’s confirmation.

  GOD

  Is that all?

  MENDEL

  Is that all? Their so
n is turning thirteen.

  GOD

  So, I’ll make him fourteen. It’ll serve the Brillsteins right for having a surname in this day and age. Feel better?

  MENDEL

  No.

  GOD

  I have an idea. What do you say I pay you for the smorgasbord? Twelve zuzim. And, I’ll throw in a new tablecloth for your troubles.

  MENDEL

  No.

  GOD

  And a jug of wine.

  MENDEL

  No.

  GOD

  What’re you trying to do, hold me up?

  MENDEL

  Dear God, I am a simple man, with simple needs. And what meager living I do manage to eke out goes only for the simple comforts of my family—so my faithful wife, Sara, can feel like a lady, and so my simple son, Shlomo, can dress in propeller skullcaps. Is this so much to ask?

  GOD

  No…

  MENDEL

  So why do you choose to keep me, you should pardon the pun, in the dark?

  Mendel hangs his head in despair.

  EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—DAY

  The war is still raging.

  GOD

  Well?

  JOSHUA

  Won’t be long now.

  GOD

  Can you give me a ballpark figure?

  JOSHUA

  What’s a ballpark?

  GOD

  (trying to keep his composure)

  Ten minutes? Fifteen minutes?

  JOSHUA

  Don’t you have anything else to do? How come you left Moses alone? I didn’t see anyone breathing down his neck.

  GOD

  But…

  JOSHUA

  Don’t “but” me. You know you’re wrong. You parted the sea for Moses. You gave ten plagues to Moses. You did this for Moses. You did that for Moses.

  Joshua starts jumping up and down.

  JOSHUA (cont’d)

  Moses! Moses! Moses! Everything went to Moses! Well, I’m sick of it!

  GOD

  Is it possible that you’re overreacting?

  JOSHUA

  You gave Moses forty years to cross the Sinai. Forty years! No one told him to hurry up because of some caterer. But me…

  Joshua starts crying.

  EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—NIGHT

  Mendel is pointing a quartz spatula toward his chest.

  GOD

  Mendel!

  MENDEL

  I’ve got nothing to live for.

  EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—DAY

  Joshua is on the ground flailing his arms and legs.

  GOD

  Josh…

  JOSHUA

  Leave me alone.

  EXT. HEAVEN—DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER

  God is pacing.

  GOD

  Imagine me, the omnipotent one, with a moral dilemma. Hard to believe. It’s mundane, yet harrowing at the same time. On the one hand, we have Joshua, who’s fighting a war and risking his mortal existence so that I can continue to exist for all those who prostrate themselves in acknowledgment of me as thy Lord, thy God, King of the Universe. While, on the other hand, Mendel isn’t even a chef. True, he does cater religious celebrations, but even if his word of mouth is good and his business does flourish, those gluttons will more likely rave about the food than about me…. But then again, why should I take this out on Mendel, who wants only to support his loving family? The devout Mendel, who reads the Bible and who believes in me. Or at least he did before all this sun business started—before I let him down.

  (God slaps himself)

  Stop it! This is no time for sentiment. Gotta be practical here. Even a blind man can see that your future’s with Joshua. Give him the sun, he’ll win the war, and your word will be passed from father to son, generation after generation. While with Mendel…who’s kidding who? To hell with Mendel.

  (God slaps himself)

  What’s wrong with me? Just what kind of deity am I turning into anyway? Didn’t I make both Joshua and Mendel in my own image? Do they not both serve me in their own way? Of course they do.

  EXT. THE DARK SIDE OF THE WORLD—NIGHT

  Mendel is perched on the buffet table, readying to hurl his body onto the stone utensils that are pointing upward from the ground.

  GOD

  Mendel, don’t!

  MENDEL

  And tell me why I shouldn’t. My business is ruined and the God that I’ve devoted my spiritual life to has forsaken me. Thanks for nothing.

  Mendel jumps off the table.

  GOD

  Mendel, stop!

  And, as the Lord speaks, the leaping Mendel freezes, rendering him suspended in midair.

  MENDEL

  (looking around)

  What’s this?

  GOD

  Look, I’ve been doing some thinking, and I think I’ve come up with a solution to all of this.

  MENDEL

  I’m all ears.

  GOD

  You want to hear it?

  MENDEL

  I’m suspended in midair. What else have I got to do, plow?

  GOD

  Okay. Now, I’ve figured out a compromise. Joshua gets to keep the sun for as long as he needs it…

  MENDEL

  Lovely plan. Please let me fall onto my cutlery.

  GOD

  …and you, you get the real plum.

  MENDEL

  I can’t wait to hear this one.

  GOD

  Ready?

  MENDEL

  Yeah, yeah…

  GOD

  Brunch.

  MENDEL

  What’s that?

  GOD

  A combination of breakfast and lunch.

  MENDEL

  I never heard of such a thing.

  GOD

  No one has. But trust me, by the time Brillstein’s guests wake up, they’ll be dying for it.

  MENDEL

  Could work.

  GOD

  It’ll be a big hit.

  MENDEL

  I’ll give it a shot.

  GOD

  Big, big hit.

  And it came to pass that Joshua smote the Amorites and the sun rose upon Mendel’s village…. And Brillstein’s guests devoured the brunch and said they were stuffed. Whereupon they returned to their homes, had a snack, said they were full, had their dinner, said they couldn’t eat another bite, had a snack, and went to bed.

  —ALAN ZWEIBEL

  Herb Sargent

  We had just started Saturday Night Live. I was an apprentice writer, twenty-four years old, and I felt intimidated. Chevy was hysterically funny. So were John and Danny and Gilda and Franken. And Michael O’Donoghue, well, Michael simply scared the shit out of me. So I stayed pretty much to myself. One day I came to work, and on my desk was a framed cartoon. A drawing—no caption—of a drunken rabbi staggering home late and holding a wine bottle. And waiting for him on the other side of the door was his angry wife, getting ready to hit him with a Torah instead of a rolling pin. I had no idea who’d put it there. I started looking around, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a white-haired man in his office, laughing. He had put it there. That was the first communication I had with Herb Sargent—which was significant, given that he never spoke and he gave me a cartoon that had no caption.

  I had seen him years before. Or at least I thought I had. When I was a kid. My father manufactured jewelry and had his shop on Fifty-second Street between Fifth and Madison. I used to come into the city from Long Island and run errands for him during the summer. And no matter where the delivery was supposed to go, I made sure I got there by going through the lobby of what was then called the RCA Building, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the hopes that maybe I would see Johnny Carson (whose show was upstairs) or some of the people from That Was the Week That Was: Buck Henry, Bob Dishy, David Frost—or Herb Sargent, who was the producer. I knew his name from the credits. As a young boy who wanted to be a TV writer someday
, this was like hanging around outside of Yankee Stadium waiting to see the players going through to the clubhouse.