Clothing Optional Page 4
Mendel
Then spake Joshua to the Lord in the day when the Lord delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel and he said “Sun, stand still.”…And the sun stood still until the children of Israel had avenged themselves upon their enemies.
—JOSHUA 10:12
EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—NIGHT
A confused Mendel is pacing in front of a buffet table.
MENDEL
Why is it still dark? I don’t understand it. Granted, I am but a simple caterer. However, it doesn’t take a great scholar to know that the night should be followed by the morning—and not by another night.
Mendel looks toward heaven.
MENDEL (cont’d)
Where is it? Isn’t there someone who can tell me where the sun is?
Mendel starts pacing again.
MENDEL (cont’d)
What’s the sense of fooling myself? Nobody can explain it. How could they possibly explain it? Every mortal I know has overslept. Oh dear God—while my beautiful spread turns rancid, my entire village sleeps.
Mendel looks toward heaven.
MENDEL (cont’d)
Tell me, dear God—what in your name is going on?
GOD
What’s the problem?
MENDEL
What’s the problem? I thought you were all-knowing.
GOD
I am.
MENDEL
So? Can’t you see what’s wrong?
GOD
Not really. It’s sort of dark.
MENDEL
That’s the problem.
GOD
Oh.
MENDEL
Well? How come it’s still dark?
GOD
Excellent question, Mendel. You’re very inquisitive for a caterer.
MENDEL
Thanks, but…
GOD
The fact is, you woke up too early. Go back to sleep.
MENDEL
I…
GOD
Maybe I should do the same.
(bad acting)
I know I’m the Supreme Being, but trust me,
I too am groggy. Pleasant dreams.
We hear God yawning. Mendel starts pacing again.
MENDEL
Woke up too early? How can this be? Last night was no different from any other night: I arrived home, said a prayer, washed up, made a blessing, sat down, begged for forgiveness, turned around, said I’m sorry, had my supper, then beat my breast…. Afterward, I read the Bible, discussed it at length with my wise son, was hit across the mouth with it by my wicked son, then fed it to my simple son. Then my wife and I sang, we danced, we cleaned the ram, we said our prayers, we spun the dreidel, we celebrated the harvest, we knew each other in a biblical sense, then we went to bed.
Mendel looks to heaven.
MENDEL (cont’d)
No, dear God. I got my basic eight hours of sleep…. God? God?
GOD
(feigning weariness)
Yes, Mendel.
MENDEL
I figured out that I woke up the same time I usually do.
GOD
(disappointed)
Oh, you did.
MENDEL
Yes. And if you’ll pardon my skepticism, dear Lord, I can’t help but think that you are keeping something from me.
GOD
Me?
Mendel nods.
GOD (cont’d)
Well, if I should tell you the truth, do you promise not to get a swelled head? Because you’ve been given an honor.
MENDEL
Me?
GOD
Yes.
MENDEL
Do tell.
GOD
No, I better not.
MENDEL
I beg of you. I can use a lift.
GOD
Well, the reason it is dark is because there’s an eclipse.
MENDEL
A what?
GOD
A culinary eclipse. Once every five hundred years I align the Earth between the sun and a caterer—plunging the planet into temporary darkness. Congratulations.
MENDEL
Wait a second…
GOD
But let’s keep this between us, okay? You can imagine how hectic my life would get if every caterer started asking for his own eclipse.
MENDEL
You’re lying, aren’t you?
GOD
A liar? The Almighty you call a liar?
MENDEL
I’m not saying that lying is a prominent trait of yours.
GOD
But you just…
MENDEL
What I meant, dear God, was that in this particular instance I solemnly believe that you are divinely yanking my proverbial chain. Is this so?
GOD
I’ll be right back.
EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—DAY
A very tan Joshua is on the battlefield.
GOD
Joshua…Joshua.
JOSHUA
Who may I say is calling?
GOD
Don’t get cute.
JOSHUA
Oh, hi. Some war, huh?
GOD
So you’ve won?
JOSHUA
Hey, these things take time. But we’ll be all right. Those Amorites are dropping like flies.
GOD
I need the sun.
JOSHUA
When?
GOD
Now.
JOSHUA
Come again?
GOD
Or as soon as possible, anyway.
JOSHUA
(aside)
Great guy…
GOD
Excuse me?
JOSHUA
Here I am risking my life for you, all I ask for is one favor, and you…
GOD
For me? You’re risking your life for me?
JOSHUA
No, for me…. Of course it’s for you. I have no ax to grind with the Amorites—this is all for you.
GOD
How do you figure?
JOSHUA
These Amorites are heathens. They spend most of their time womanizing and getting drunk…
GOD
They do?
JOSHUA
…and doing whatever their animal instincts dictate.
GOD
But don’t they fear my wrath?
JOSHUA
Why should they? They don’t believe in you to begin with.
GOD
They don’t?
JOSHUA
No.
GOD
God…
JOSHUA
What was that?
GOD
Oh, nothing—I was just talking to myself…. Look, you believe in me, don’t you?
JOSHUA
No, I’m swinging spiked maces out here for my health. Stop being so insecure.
GOD
Sorry.
JOSHUA
Don’t worry about it. Just let me get on with the war. What’s the big rush, anyway?
GOD
Well, this whole sun thing is somewhat of an inconvenience to Mendel…
JOSHUA
The caterer?
GOD
Yeah. He’s got this smorgasbord and…
JOSHUA
Spare me.
(aside)
I have an onslaught on my hands and he’s talking Jell-O molds.
EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—NIGHT
Mendel is fanning the buffet with a small shrub.
GOD
Mendel.
MENDEL
You smell that? It’s the fish.
God sniffs.
GOD
Who’s this buffet for?
MENDEL
The Brillsteins. In honor of their son’s confirmation.
GOD
Is that all?
MENDEL
Is that all? Their so
n is turning thirteen.
GOD
So, I’ll make him fourteen. It’ll serve the Brillsteins right for having a surname in this day and age. Feel better?
MENDEL
No.
GOD
I have an idea. What do you say I pay you for the smorgasbord? Twelve zuzim. And, I’ll throw in a new tablecloth for your troubles.
MENDEL
No.
GOD
And a jug of wine.
MENDEL
No.
GOD
What’re you trying to do, hold me up?
MENDEL
Dear God, I am a simple man, with simple needs. And what meager living I do manage to eke out goes only for the simple comforts of my family—so my faithful wife, Sara, can feel like a lady, and so my simple son, Shlomo, can dress in propeller skullcaps. Is this so much to ask?
GOD
No…
MENDEL
So why do you choose to keep me, you should pardon the pun, in the dark?
Mendel hangs his head in despair.
EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—DAY
The war is still raging.
GOD
Well?
JOSHUA
Won’t be long now.
GOD
Can you give me a ballpark figure?
JOSHUA
What’s a ballpark?
GOD
(trying to keep his composure)
Ten minutes? Fifteen minutes?
JOSHUA
Don’t you have anything else to do? How come you left Moses alone? I didn’t see anyone breathing down his neck.
GOD
But…
JOSHUA
Don’t “but” me. You know you’re wrong. You parted the sea for Moses. You gave ten plagues to Moses. You did this for Moses. You did that for Moses.
Joshua starts jumping up and down.
JOSHUA (cont’d)
Moses! Moses! Moses! Everything went to Moses! Well, I’m sick of it!
GOD
Is it possible that you’re overreacting?
JOSHUA
You gave Moses forty years to cross the Sinai. Forty years! No one told him to hurry up because of some caterer. But me…
Joshua starts crying.
EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—NIGHT
Mendel is pointing a quartz spatula toward his chest.
GOD
Mendel!
MENDEL
I’ve got nothing to live for.
EXT. THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD—DAY
Joshua is on the ground flailing his arms and legs.
GOD
Josh…
JOSHUA
Leave me alone.
EXT. HEAVEN—DAY/NIGHT/WHATEVER
God is pacing.
GOD
Imagine me, the omnipotent one, with a moral dilemma. Hard to believe. It’s mundane, yet harrowing at the same time. On the one hand, we have Joshua, who’s fighting a war and risking his mortal existence so that I can continue to exist for all those who prostrate themselves in acknowledgment of me as thy Lord, thy God, King of the Universe. While, on the other hand, Mendel isn’t even a chef. True, he does cater religious celebrations, but even if his word of mouth is good and his business does flourish, those gluttons will more likely rave about the food than about me…. But then again, why should I take this out on Mendel, who wants only to support his loving family? The devout Mendel, who reads the Bible and who believes in me. Or at least he did before all this sun business started—before I let him down.
(God slaps himself)
Stop it! This is no time for sentiment. Gotta be practical here. Even a blind man can see that your future’s with Joshua. Give him the sun, he’ll win the war, and your word will be passed from father to son, generation after generation. While with Mendel…who’s kidding who? To hell with Mendel.
(God slaps himself)
What’s wrong with me? Just what kind of deity am I turning into anyway? Didn’t I make both Joshua and Mendel in my own image? Do they not both serve me in their own way? Of course they do.
EXT. THE DARK SIDE OF THE WORLD—NIGHT
Mendel is perched on the buffet table, readying to hurl his body onto the stone utensils that are pointing upward from the ground.
GOD
Mendel, don’t!
MENDEL
And tell me why I shouldn’t. My business is ruined and the God that I’ve devoted my spiritual life to has forsaken me. Thanks for nothing.
Mendel jumps off the table.
GOD
Mendel, stop!
And, as the Lord speaks, the leaping Mendel freezes, rendering him suspended in midair.
MENDEL
(looking around)
What’s this?
GOD
Look, I’ve been doing some thinking, and I think I’ve come up with a solution to all of this.
MENDEL
I’m all ears.
GOD
You want to hear it?
MENDEL
I’m suspended in midair. What else have I got to do, plow?
GOD
Okay. Now, I’ve figured out a compromise. Joshua gets to keep the sun for as long as he needs it…
MENDEL
Lovely plan. Please let me fall onto my cutlery.
GOD
…and you, you get the real plum.
MENDEL
I can’t wait to hear this one.
GOD
Ready?
MENDEL
Yeah, yeah…
GOD
Brunch.
MENDEL
What’s that?
GOD
A combination of breakfast and lunch.
MENDEL
I never heard of such a thing.
GOD
No one has. But trust me, by the time Brillstein’s guests wake up, they’ll be dying for it.
MENDEL
Could work.
GOD
It’ll be a big hit.
MENDEL
I’ll give it a shot.
GOD
Big, big hit.
And it came to pass that Joshua smote the Amorites and the sun rose upon Mendel’s village…. And Brillstein’s guests devoured the brunch and said they were stuffed. Whereupon they returned to their homes, had a snack, said they were full, had their dinner, said they couldn’t eat another bite, had a snack, and went to bed.
—ALAN ZWEIBEL
Herb Sargent
We had just started Saturday Night Live. I was an apprentice writer, twenty-four years old, and I felt intimidated. Chevy was hysterically funny. So were John and Danny and Gilda and Franken. And Michael O’Donoghue, well, Michael simply scared the shit out of me. So I stayed pretty much to myself. One day I came to work, and on my desk was a framed cartoon. A drawing—no caption—of a drunken rabbi staggering home late and holding a wine bottle. And waiting for him on the other side of the door was his angry wife, getting ready to hit him with a Torah instead of a rolling pin. I had no idea who’d put it there. I started looking around, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a white-haired man in his office, laughing. He had put it there. That was the first communication I had with Herb Sargent—which was significant, given that he never spoke and he gave me a cartoon that had no caption.
I had seen him years before. Or at least I thought I had. When I was a kid. My father manufactured jewelry and had his shop on Fifty-second Street between Fifth and Madison. I used to come into the city from Long Island and run errands for him during the summer. And no matter where the delivery was supposed to go, I made sure I got there by going through the lobby of what was then called the RCA Building, 30 Rockefeller Plaza, with the hopes that maybe I would see Johnny Carson (whose show was upstairs) or some of the people from That Was the Week That Was: Buck Henry, Bob Dishy, David Frost—or Herb Sargent, who was the producer. I knew his name from the credits. As a young boy who wanted to be a TV writer someday
, this was like hanging around outside of Yankee Stadium waiting to see the players going through to the clubhouse.